A Look Back


Written 2/10/10

We change every day. Cells grow, hairs fall out, and skin ages and wrinkles. A visible difference can’t be seen on a daily basis. Much like a new puppy you haven’t seen for a week, it’s hard to notice the amount of change until a separation occurs.

As difficult as it is to notice physical changes in ourselves, it is even more challenging to see spiritual change. But that’s the kind of day I had today. Alone in a hospital, not TV, internet not working, and snowed in with no visitors. I should have been a wreck but today is one of the best days I’ve had in a while (since July 30th when this whole journey started to be exact).

I spent the day receiving IVIG treatment and reading the book “The Shack” recommended by my pastor. It made me re-think so many “truths” that I knew and challenged them. I literally twice had to close the book in an attempt to process what I had just read. The questions shook me at the core and, much like the main character, I’m sure I had a dumbfounded and quizzical look on my face.

Looking back on my life I can recall times when I felt God was closer to me than others. Some you might expect like when I was at a Christian retreat and witnessed a friend give his life to Christ or in Jamaica while serving the needy and reading His Word in the early morning hours. I felt Him while in the outback of Australia hiking around His beautiful creation, Uluru, at sunrise, while on my first family vacation ever at age 28 at the beach, and while listening to the words of a country artist at a concert. What strikes me most is not that those times happened but when and where they didn’t. I didn’t sense God when we sold the farm or when my grandmother passed away. And I definitely didn’t sense God when I got sick.

I think the difference is that I tried to do it on my own. I was tough enough to get through it or I was distracted by what I thought were important things to get done. I tried to be in control. The times I sensed God were when I was traveling or out of my element. I let my guard down and let Him in.

And that’s what reading The Shack did for me. I read without distractions. I feel closer to God and more at ease. The future of my sickness still scares me and I know I will struggle with fear and trying to regain control. For now though, I want to live with God and love for eternity as I was created to do. I will still sin. I will still make mistakes but despite all that and maybe because of that God loves me.

Meditation Music

Never Been a Moment – Micah Taylor

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