Confessions

Confessions of a (special needs) Parent

“Shut the door on yesterday, leave what’s happened in the grave”

Meditation Music 

Danny Gokey – Rise

Good or Bad it’s done.

I feel guilty I have to put Munchakin in front of the TV so I can do Buddy’s program.

I feel guilty I can’t spend more time with Munchakin when she asks me to leave Buddy by himself.

I feel guilty for having a second child and forever altering the course of Munchakin’s life.

I feel guilty for stopping breastfeeding her so we could conceive Buddy.

I feel guilty for going to a course for work which included my body being treated all weekend when I was newly but unknowingly pregnant with Buddy.

I feel guilty for not paying more attention and realizing something might have been off with the pregnancy.

I feel guilty for not pursuing additional testing after a mildly abnormal ultrasound results.

I feel guilty for not choosing a different hospital system to transfer him to when Buddy was born and had seizures an hour later.

I feel guilty for not transferring after we got to the new hospital and realized it wasn’t ranked in neurosurgery.

I feel guilty for having mixed emotions during Buddy’s surgery.

I feel guilty for not transferring him to another hospital in between his two surgeries.

I feel guilty for all the time I spent with Buddy in the NICU while leaving Munchakin with my parents.

I feel guilty for leaving Buddy in the NICU overnight so I could spend time with Munchakin.

I feel guilty for medicating him for as long as we allowed ourselves too.

I feel guilty for letting hospital systems and phone calls rule my life for his first 6 months.

I feel guilty for not being a more present wife, daughter, friend, etc.

I feel guilty on a daily basis.

I feel guilty.

All the time.

For far too many reasons.

Listing them out was more cathartic than anything.

The bottom line is none of it matters.

It’s in the past. I can’t change any of it.  

Just as I can’t go back and undo decisions I wish I’d done better at, I also can’t go back and re-live the life I had prior to Buddy.

That’s an important concept and step in healing.

Good or bad. The past is over.

Literally all we have is this moment.  
Energy spent wishing things were like they used to be or wishing things were like I wanted them to be is only energy wasted.

And ALL Moms (and Dads) know there’s no time or extra energy to waste!

My focus is being thankful.  

Being thankful I am a Mom.

Being thankful I have two beautiful children.

Being thankful I have an amazing parents who showed me how to love and what sacrifice looks like.

Being thankful I have female friends to lean on.

And being thankful I don’t have to do it alone.

We were designed in Gods image and designed to be in community and fellowship with others.

If we can stay out of our heads and focus on the positive moments in life as well as the gifts He’s given us, we will all be much happier and experience more joy regardless of our circumstances!

4 thoughts on “Confessions”

  1. Powerful and encouraging words for us all. You’re doing GREAT!!! Prayers for continued progress and new milestones.

  2. WOW! This is so true – for all of us. The past is just that – “past”. We can choose to hold onto it, or let it go and lift it up into the arms of God. It’s not easy, but in the end, we realize that God loves us, flaws and all, and that in His arms we find GRACE, and grace is an amazing place to live. Some people only “visit” grace, but when we learn to reside there, we learn to breathe deep, feel grateful, and be loving and forgiving toward others, just as God has been with us. Amazing! And freeing! Love the lessons you’re learning and your courage in being honest with yourself and others. You continue to touch my heart and bring tears to my eyes. Thank you!

    1. Thank you for your continued encouragement and wise words Pastor Sandi! Love the Grace analogy – so true!!!!

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