Emotional Tears

Imagine the absolute worst thought you’ve ever had in your life. While there aren’t many guarantees in this world, I can guarantee that I thought something as bad, if not worse, regarding my son early on.

I battled with whether or not his life was worth it. I asked myself what was the meaning of life. And the best I could come up with (stemming from a discussion with one of his neurologists) was that there needed to be some level of enjoyment and some level of connection to others.  I wasn’t sure if he would ever have that. For the first three weeks of his life, he laid in a tiny little bed only wearing a diaper. I had literally never met my son as his eyes had never been open while I was in his presence (seizures started 1.5 hours after birth, they took him right away due to temporary difficulties catching his breath, and I was still in bed due to my c-section). Again I’m literally crying as I share this.

I cried.

The first time I saw him open one eye.

The first time he had clothes on.

The first time he was able to take breastmilk through his tube.

The first time the speech therapist gave him breastmilk by mouth.

The first time I was able to hold him (without needing the help of 4 nurses).

The first time he was in an actual crib.

Mostly, I just cried.

Nothing was the way it was “supposed to be” and nothing was the way I had imagined.

All I could do was pray…

This week’s music meditation: PRAY by Santcus Real

This week’s scripture:  Philippians 4:6

Don’t Worry about anything, instead PRAY about everything.  Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done.

This Week’s Image:


Week 1 – NICU beginnings

Warning:  Brutal Honesty Ahead…

I’m going to share the deepest darkest thoughts I had when my son was first born, when he had two extensive brain surgeries before he was three weeks old, and when he spent his first 45 days in the NICU.

My hope is that these thoughts can help one person.

Help one person relate.

Help one person realize they aren’t alone.

Help one person realize it can and will get better.

Help one person realize their life isn’t falling apart.

Help one person realize everything will fall into place.  Eventually.

Help one person realize it’s okay to be angry, to fight with their spouse, to yell at the sky, to lay on their kitchen floor bawling their eyes out, and to have no tears left to cry.

Help one person realize that a hug from a friend helps more than they expect.

People told me congratulations.  People told me I’m so sorry.  People asked if they could do anything.  People told me they understood.  People told me it would get better.

No matter what anyone said, I didn’t hear any of it.  My baby boy was having non-stop seizures.  I couldn’t hold him.  I couldn’t comfort him.  And before he was 4 days old, he was on 4 anti-seizure meds and a ventilator, had already experienced multiple ultrasounds, an MRI, and an X-ray, and had so many wires connected to him that it didn’t seem real.

My baby boy wasn’t a baby.  He was an alien.  Everything about him was foreign.  None of it seemed real.  I just kept waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

Except I didn’t and I wouldn’t.  It was my reality.

(Pause in writing due to tears of re-living those early days – those feelings and pain will never leave me.  It’s different now but becomes too real all too quickly as I remember in detail)

Meditation Verse:

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

Meditation Music:

Praise You in this Storm – Casting Crowns

Podcast #57: “Praise You In This Storm” by Casting Crowns

Choose your Own Adventure

Imagine life as a choose your own adventure book (think early 90’s kids books).

We all start by being born in the beginning and in the end we all perish.

It’s the middle that counts.

God gave us free will which we have been using and misusing since Adam and Eve.

Fortunately for us, God always takes our “mistakes” and uses them to reach his ultimate goal.

Just ask Abram who doubted Gods plan of being the “Father of many nations” when his wife Sarai was barren.

Just ask Joseph when he was sold into slavery by his brothers and didn’t get to see his father for 22 years.

Just ask Job who had everything only to have it all taken away, including his family and his appearance.

Just ask Jonah who was trapped in the belly of a whale.

Just ask my husband and I who decided our 5 day old son should have surgery.

None of them expected their decisions to take them on those paths.  But they had faith that God would bring them through it.

And He did.

And Gods plan is better than any of them, or us, could ever imagine.

We just have to trust Him.  Trust Him when we lose our jobs, trust Him when our child needs brain surgery, trust Him when we suffer a great loss, trust Him through all of it.

So I welcome you as we share in this adventure called life.  Our decisions and Gods timing has allowed our paths to cross, if only for the moment.  I’m thankful for that, thankful for you, and thankful that He’s in charge!

Meditation Music:

Colton Dixon – Through All of It


Michelle Nezat: Inspiring others to discover and meditate on God’s Word


You choose your adventure, He chooses the end